When someone important in our life dies, it        can feel as though the whole world has collapsed. Things that once seemed meaningful now seem empty. Activities that once were enriching now seem hollow. The sun rises, but everything seems dark and heavy. We feel raw, vulnerable and lost. We may alternate between feeling numb and feeling as though every nerve is on edge.
 

Sometimes it comes as a surprise just how much the death has affected us. The old familiar structure has collapsed and we don’t know how it will ever be replaced.
 

Each individual’s reaction to death is uniquely personal. Your beliefs about life, your beliefs about what happens after this life, your relationship with the person who is dying or has died, and your previous experiences with loss all influence how you will experience this intensely unpredictable                                                                                                                                 journey of grief.
 

Some people find the process uprooting and raw. Some people go numb. Some people bury themselves in their work. Others find they open to new, deeply spiritual dimensions of life. Perhaps you find yourself alternating between extremely different reactions.
 

All of this is normal. Grief has its own rhythms. It has its own timing. It is different for everyone, but most people find strength by alternating times alone with times of support and connection. Grief support groups and individual grief counseling can help you find the strength to go on, and also help you create a new pattern for your life.
 

The range of emotions in grief is bewildering. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross made a great contribution when she identified some stages of grief – denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance – but this list is only the beginning of grief’s contradictions. It is good to know that many people don’t go through these stages in the same order, and it is normal to spiral back through stages we’ve already experienced.
 

When we’re in the grief process, waves of grief can wash over us at any time. Sometimes the trigger is easy to understand because something reminds us of our loss. Perhaps we hear a song, see a face, or smell a fragrance. Sometimes, though, the waves of grief seem to come without a cause and we feel ambushed by the grief. Sometimes it may even feel as though you are losing your mind in grief and you wonder if you will ever find solid ground again. In these times of doubt, it is good to remember that when you take care of yourself and get the support you need, you will find the strength to make it through the turbulent times and you will move into calmer waters.
 

Self-Care in Grief

What I am going to say next will seem so basic to some of you, that you may wonder why I even include these ideas.      I’m including them because when some mourners are deep in grief, they may lose all interest in life. When your grief is deep, you may feel as though you have lost the will to go on. It may feel as though your life and health don’t matter any more, and you stop trying. The simple and ordinary self-care tasks of living are often the first things to slip away. That is why I am including them here – as a reminder of what you already know.
 

• Even if you are a person who enjoys solitude, this is a time to balance the solitude with connection. Reach out and connect with other people who will understand. Trusted friends or family, an individual grief counselor or grief support group, and your spiritual community – if you have one – can all be of help. Trust your intuition, listen to yourself, and notice when you want to reach out and when you want time alone.
• Get outside for a little bit every day. You may not understand why, but being in Nature can help you find healing in this time of intense emotion. Even if you don’t feel like regular exercise, try taking a three minute walk one day, and a four minute walk the next.
• You may feel as though nothing matters, but try to eat on a regular schedule. Even if you don’t feel like eating, just have a small amount of something nourishing at meal times.
• If it’s getting hard for you to remember your personal hygiene, write yourself a note to remind yourself to shower and put on clean clothes or ask a friend to call you to encourage you. It will make a difference.
• Try to rest. If trying to sleep brings up anxiety, try experimenting with relaxing music or self-help recordings to calm the anxiety. (Emmett Miller, M.D.’s Abolish Anxiety and Easing into Sleep are good examples.)
• Expand your creative expression – even if you’ve never thought of yourself as being creative before. Try singing along with music that fits your mood. Allow the tears to come or the joy to surface. Experiment with moving to music that matches your feelings, even if you don’t think of yourself as a dancer. Try drawing your sadness or writing a poem about the person you lost or are losing. Plan a craft project, plant a tree, make a scrapbook or a memory quilt, or prepare a garden in honor of the one you lost. The music, movement, drawing, writing or creative project do not need to be your best work. It is the doing and the expressing that are more important right now.
• When grief is acute, you may not be able to focus well enough to do an extended project. In those times, working with a grief journal may be helpful and can provide some structure. Two examples are Grief Expressed: When a Mate Dies by Marta Felber and Angel Catcher: A Journal of Loss and Remembrance by Kathy and Amy Eldon.

Even though these might be simple things at another time in your life, they may seem like mountains when you are in grief. All you need to do is one thing at a time, and you will make it through to the other side of grief.
 

If you would like more support on this journey, please feel free to contact me for more information.
Louise Jacobus, LMFT 619-415-3568