Whether you were in a traditional marriage, a same-sex marriage, or another long-term committed relationship, getting “uncoupled” may be more complicated than you thought, and may also offer more opportunities for growth than you imagined.

 

Maybe you feel relief that the relationship is over. Maybe you are broken hearted.
Whether or not you wanted the divorce, you may be feeling the pain of loss and grief- you’ve lost your romantic partner. Sometimes these emotions can feel like physical pains- sharp, wrenching pains.

 

In addition to the emotional losses, there are practical losses. You may have lost a certain standard of living. Depending on how you had the chores divided in your relationship, you may also have lost your handyman/handywoman, your financial advisor, bookkeeper, childcare provider, cook, and your ride to the car mechanic. Perhaps you’ve lost your travel companion or even lost your friends if your mutual friends sided with your ex.

 

There’s no getting around it- divorce can turn your life upside down. But divorce also offers the opportunity to re-create your life in rewarding and enriching ways that might not have been possible before.

 

Sometimes divorce also brings losses that are more difficult to define: the loss of hope, the loss of someone to blame, the loss of status, or the loss of a future that seemed predictable.

 

If you have children, you may be worried about the effects of the separation/divorce on the children and concerned about how to care for their needs as you navigate these uncertain times.

 

As we meet in counseling, there will be time to grieve these losses, address these concerns, and then time to look to the future. Together, we will address your immediate needs for re-structuring your life and any challenges you may have coping with the courts and your ex-spouse. We will then turn our attention to positive goals for your new life, and the relationship skills and personal skills needed to reach those goals.

 

You don’t have to do this alone.

 

Long term Divorce Recovery Issues

 

Emotional marriage can continue long after the physical separation or legal divorce. Keeping the battle roiling is a way of staying connected and emotionally tied. A lingering sense of betrayal, ongoing anger or even longing for your former spouse- all these are emotions from the past that can weigh down your efforts to create a better life in the future.

 

As you continue to build your new life, therapy provides an opportunity to examine the old patterns that led you to chose a partner who was not compatible.

 

You may have chosen your spouse to fulfill dreams that are no longer relevant to your life. You may have chosen a partner to please parents, or to escape a situation that no longer exists. Perhaps you are not really sure why you chose your mate. In therapy, you can begin to examine these issues, so your relationship choices in the future will be more fulfilling and compatible with a healthy, creative sense of self.

 

Post-divorce, some people may wonder how to develop a healthy sense of individuality that has integrity, and also the flexibility to be in relationship with others. How do we replace the old familiar patterns of living that were not working very well with new ways of living that have the potential to be more successful?

 

Looking to the Future: Getting Ready for a New Relationship

 

Relationship fads come and go. With so many self-proclaimed relationship experts talking and blogging about relationships, which ones really have substance?

 

Many of my clients have found books by John Gottman, Ph.D. very helpful. One of his books is The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, a practical and straightforward guide, with suggestions that are based on sound research. Sometimes just learning and practicing these healthy relationship skills is enough for success in the future.

 

Sometimes, however, there are issues and patterns from earlier in our lives which interfere with our ability to put these principles for a happy relationship into practice. If you find that you keep falling back into old patterns and you feel frustrated about not being able to have the relationship you want, therapy can often help you identify and release what is keeping you stuck.

 

Relationships can be some of the most enriching parts of our lives, and they can also be some of the most painful. I enjoy working with individual clients, helping you learn to heal the wounds of the past, develop the relationship skills you need in the present, and build a future that is fulfilling.

 

For more information on this topic or to schedule an appointment, please contact Louise Jacobus or call 619-415-3568.